Why We Judge Others (and How to Stop)

We’ve all been there—meeting someone new and immediately forming an opinion. I know I've done this a million times. Maybe they interrupt too much, seem uninterested, or have an awkward social style. Without even realizing it, we judge their behaviour and, often, their character. But what if our snap judgments are more about us than about them?

Why Do We Judge So Quickly?

Our brains are wired for efficiency. When we encounter someone new, we use past experiences, social norms, and even unconscious biases to categorize them in seconds. This “mental shortcut” helps us navigate the world but can also lead to inaccurate assumptions.

Psychologist George Vaillant’s work on defence mechanisms—involuntary mental coping strategies—sheds light on why we judge. Often, our judgments are projections of our own insecurities or unexamined beliefs. For example:

• Projection: We assume someone is arrogant when, deep down, we fear being perceived as inadequate.

• Rationalization: We justify our discomfort with someone’s social awkwardness by deciding they must be rude or uninterested.

• Denial: We refuse to see our own biases, assuming we are “good at reading people.”

How to Shift from Judgment to Curiosity

The good news? We can retrain our minds to be more open and empathetic. I've been working on this over the past few years. Here’s how:

1. Notice Your First Reaction

Before you label someone, pause and ask: What was my immediate thought about this person? This simple step brings awareness to your internal dialogue.

2. Challenge Your Assumptions

Instead of assuming someone is “rude” or “awkward,” consider alternative explanations. Could they be nervous? Distracted? Dealing with something personal?

3. Ask Reflective Questions

Try shifting from judgment to curiosity. Instead of thinking, “Why are they like this?” ask yourself:

• “What might have shaped their behaviour?”

• “How would I want someone to interpret me if I were in their shoes?”

• “What can I learn from this interaction?”

4. Engage with Empathy

If you feel tempted to dismiss someone, engage instead. Make eye contact, ask a question, or simply listen. Often, deeper understanding dissolves judgment.

5. Track Your Growth

Want to improve your social awareness? Keep a reflection journal where you note interactions and how you reframed your initial impressions. Over time, you’ll notice patterns and become more aware of your own unconscious biases.

Judging Less, Connecting More

Judgment distances us, while curiosity and empathy bring us closer. The next time you catch yourself making a snap judgment, pause. Reframe. Get curious. The world (and your relationships) will be richer for it.